Putting Desire Back into Sex


Couple doing the tango

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill go up and down the hill on each other once a week for 30 minutes, whether they both feel like it or not. They have the routine down pat. In fact, neither one of them really needs to think about what they’re doing because they long ago memorized the moves! If one or both of them doesn’t orgasm, Jack is sure he’s losing his touch. Jill’s orgasming less and less and Jack is having a harder time getting hard. Both are starting to worry about their sex life and sometimes dread their Tuesday nights. But you’ve got to use it or lose it right?

Building anticipation

Okay, the last line is true. You do have to use it or lose it. The more you have sex, the more you feel like having it. But that’s only true if you continue to do things to help you and your partner anticipate intimacy. Chances are doing the same things at the same time for the same amount of time ain’t gonna do it.

People have different needs and wants. That’s okay. Some are true romantics who love candle-lit dinners and an evening filled with romantic gestures and poetic language. Others are more interested in technique and work hard at being good at oral sex or focusing on the G-spot. Some like to watch ex-rated movies or get dressed up in sexy lingerie or S&M attire. Fantasies can play a role as well through your imagination or acting them out. Using what excites you and your partner and spending some time thinking about it ahead of time can help build a sense of anticipation that paves the way for a satisfying experience.


Shake it up! Suppose you used your creativity and imagination to create an amazing experience, what difference do you think it would make to the enjoyment you both had? Suppose you introduced variety and spontaneity into your sex lives, what difference do you think that would make?

Thinking back to the some of the most satisfying lovemaking or sexual experiences you’ve ever had, what happened? What was it that made it so good? Is there anything from those experiences that you could use again to boost you and/or your partner’s desire?

Quality over quantity

Jack’s habit of focusing on the outcome put a lot of pressure on both him and Jill. Focusing on giving one another pleasure and enjoying the process helps take away that pressure. When you are able to do things with your partner that you know s/he enjoys, you’re expressing your feelings. Sex is about intimacy, of sharing yourself with the person you love in a way you don’t with anyone else. That’s more important than keeping tabs on how often you do the deed and how often each of you climaxes.

You deserve it

Sex can be fun, enjoyable, incredible, an expression of your love, or good stress management. You deserve to have these kind of experiences. Remember this because it too helps put the desire back into sex.


Want things to get better in your relationship? Let’s talk.



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